How To Implement Authoritative Parenting

Parenting styles are often most developed with boundaries associated with how you were raised. Let's say you were physically disciplined you may either strongly physically discipline because it is all you know. You may also refrain from physical discipline because you found it harmful or ineffective. Regardless of your stance on style they are dictated based on what you did or did not receive as a child.

In parenting, there are two columns of connection when it comes to boundaries. Through emotional connection, we seek to build empathy, understanding, and trust. Physical boundaries are built to communicate safety, common sense development, and social skills.

Emotional Connection- The goal of emotional connection is to create an open line of access. This access is not access to harm but to inform. Creating an open environment for such conversation develops self-awareness. The goal is to help the child get to a place where they feel safe enough to share or ask hard questions. Often the misperception is that parents need to engage to fundamentally build an emotional connection and that is kind of like chasing a deer because you want to hug it. It just never gives you the results you desire even with the best intentions. We give positive attention where deserved and we do not reward negative behaviors. Boundaries still build a bond that communicates safety. Kids will use an emotional connection to test their boundaries.


Physical Boundaries- These are where a child may use an emotional connection to attempt control. Using things like "If you love me then you'll trust me and not look through my phone." What we know about adolescence is they lack hormonal/emotional control to decipher a feeling from a threat. You may feel safe talking to someone online but you lack the emotional maturity to identify threatening grooming behavior. Physical boundaries step in where we KNOW kids can not embody the skills to keep them safe. Kids don't just figure it out. Either you have to know what they are exposed to and have those hard conversations or someone else will. Today anyone from another student, parent, or even teacher can cross the line and define what a safe action looks like to them. Remember that everyone deems safe differently based on childhood upbringing or trauma. What you deem as appropriate for your home is not always the case even amongst your closest friends. Make sure your kids know what your boundaries look like.


Authoritative parenting does include things that to some may look like a violation of privacy. I argue that children do not know the boundaries of privacy yet and therefore are not expected to know appropriate things to do with privacy. Let's say you think going through another child's phone is a lack of respect for privacy, let's say another adult is asking for inappropriate pictures. That adult may even be giving tips on how to conceal this information from a parent. They are teaching your kid "privacy" and since you have told them privacy is ok then technically they aren't breaking any rules. See how messy this gets fast?


Things that might be included are:
Search Engine Website Blocks: Blocking your child's devise from being able to search adult topics or websites

Phone Screening: The phone is not allowed to download new apps without notifying you.

Location Tracking: Do not show the child how to share their location with others than yourself.
Room Sifting: Going through bags, pillowcases, under the bed, closets, drawers, etc. This is not a raid. You are scanning for things to give you cues into what the child is feeling, exposed to, or concealing.

Car Searches: Looking for anything harmful, questionable, or concealed.
Music Screening: Know what your kids are listing to, chaperone a prom, and pay attention to songs played at team sports. This gives you a cue into their subconscious influence. Ask questions, don't make judgments.

Movie Screening: Show your kids movies you accept. Don't let your kids see movies you have not watched first.

Friend Screening: Know the parents, know the lifestyle and be aware of lifestyle negative influences. For example know if their friend's parents are divorced, incarcerated, widowed, etc. Find ways to talk to your kids about the difficulties of others. If the friends have more money, a cooler car, or higher priced items have a conversation about your differences or talk about the age of responsibility. Do not just say NO to a kid about anything, explain why.

Buddy System: If your kid wants to go hang out with a new group of friends, a new church group, or a new social club it's okay to send someone the first couple times that you trust. No mom/dad that is not you. Let the sister go, brother, college intern, or friend who knows your family. This person should not "rat out" your kid. His/Her only job is to tell you if your kid is in a safe environment.

Autonomy-supportive parenting is fine for games, sports, and play however it is very dangerous to assume a kid will just "figure it out" when it comes to life choices that can impact their future subconscious as a whole. Let's say a parent says "oh we are just going to let our kids learn about sex at school or something, I am not having that conversation." Well do not be surprised if a traumatic incident occurs that is embarrassing, hurtful, or scary because they had no idea about the physicality of a sexual experience, especially for females.

Know the difference between investigation (meaning looking for fault) and discovery (looking for insight.) Your job is to discover. These things can be the difference in success.

Psalm 103:13
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.

Heb 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Prov 22:6
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

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